The Day Roy Mustang Met Pixie Sticks
by Sir sleeps-a-lot
Summary: Roy Mustang, the bravest of the State Alchemists, is no match to Pixie Sticks. Royai. Slightly OOC


**Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist doesn't belong to me. I'm only messing with them for my own amusement. XD**

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Lieutenant Hawkeye set down her pen and looked up at the clock. 9:45 and the Colonel wasn't at work yet.

"Has anyone seen the Colonel today?" She asked the table of men who were signing some papers the Colonel was too lazy to look at the previous day. They all shook their heads simultaneously and continued scrawling on the annoying papers which would get them shot if they didn't get adequate attention. She shrugged and picked up the closest paper.

A few moments of complete silence was disturbed by a terrible racket outside. The door was flung open by the tardy Colonel who was nearly an hour late. The Lieutenant got to her feet and cocked her pistol threateningly.

"Why are you late, Colon…?" Her sentence died with one look at his stick straight body and too wide eyes. Colonel Mustang hopped into the room and started laughing like a hyena. All the occupants in the room watched him warily as if he was going to whip out a rifle and shoot everything in sight.

He stuck a hand into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of coloured sticks. He smiled widely and tosses a stick at everyone but the Lieutenant. When he started stalking towards her, she cocked her gun again and lifted it to face him. It didn't deter him at all, if anything, his smile grew and he opened his arms.

"Elizabeth, my love," He enveloped her in a huge bear hug and held her as if he'd never let go. Her cool composure broke at that and her cheeks flushed pink. She supposed it was from being called with her barely used birth name. It definitely wasn't the fact that her lazy boss, which she had no feelings for, called her 'his love' or that said boss is now holding her in a very warm hug. Yep, that definitely wasn't it.

She hoped.

Havoc and Fuery chuckled and the pooling blood disappeared.

"Seriously Colonel, you shouldn't drink before work. Besides, her name isn't Elizabeth. I think you met her at the bar." Havoc spoke as he dragged cigarette smoke into his lungs.

"No, I'm not drunk cause I didn't go to the bar. I only ate some sweets Hughes gave me. Besides, this is Elizabeth and she's the prettiest girl in the world. I wanna marry her!" He slurred. His arms held on tight and the Lieutenant felt a blush rising again. Damn Colonel.

She wiggled her arms till they were near his sides and poked hard. The surprised Colonel let go with a yelp. The Lieutenant straightened up and dusted the wrinkles out her clothes and tucked the gun away.

"Now, Sir, where have you been?" She demanded.

"At Hughes', he gave me this really yummy sweet and told me they sold it by headquarters so I bought about a hundred of them and ate most of them. Can you believe it only cost 5 sens for one stick?" He talked too fast for all the men but Lieutenant Hawkeye caught everything. She always understood what insane people said. The Colonel pulled out a pink stick and passed it to her. She stared closely at it and noticed that it was plastic wrapped around something pink. She snipped the plastic off one end and a small pile of dark pink powder landed on her palm. She looked at the powder warily as if it would explode.

"C'mon, try it." He urged. She sighed but took a tentative lick. The starting sourness was soon replaced by sweetness. It was a bit addictive. She looked up at her subordinates and laughed. All of them had discovered the addictiveness of the sugar and were sucking on the straw, as if that would make it come out faster. She adopted a slightly more orderly fashion to eating the candy. She rather poured it out. Mustang brought out one baby blue stick and started himself. All was silent except Breda complaining about his clogged up stick.

The door burst open for the second time that day. Hughes walked in with a pile of paper in his arms.

"Hey. Roy! You forgot your papers on…" His sentence tapered off when he saw the five adults with sticks in their mouths. Hawkeye, who had just finished her candy, stood up and tossed the wrapper into the bin.

Hughes walked up to the Colonel and held out his hand expectantly.

"Gimme some…" Roy shook his head quickly, "aww, why not? I'll show you my newest picture of Elicia if you do." Mustang's already glowing face shone brighter and he whipped out an array of colourful sticks and shoved them all in Hughes' hand and grabbed Elicia's picture and plopped down, cross- legged, on the ground, his face shining like the sun. Everyone looked warily at the smiling Colonel. Who was this crazy person who actually liked looking at pictures of Elicia? It definitely wasn't the Colonel they knew.

"Hughes, your daughter is so adorable…" The rest of his words were lost as he started mumbling. No one really cared to listen because it would sound just like the obsessed father who was standing a couple of feet away from the incoherent colonel.

"So Major, what are those sweets? She motioned to his hand. He ripped open one stick.

"Oh, these are Pixie sticks," He looked up and poured some of the sugar into his mouth, "They sold them outside, and they're pretty cheap." He poured some more sugar in his mouth and looked down at the mumbling Mustang.

"Lemme guess, he ate too many, right?" The Lieutenant sighed, hoping this wouldn't become a regular occurrence. The last time she'd seen him so crazy was when she had made fudge. He had only eaten three pieces and that was bad enough to scar her. She really hoped that this one wouldn't be as bad as that last one.

"At least a hundred… And he's never handled sugar well." Her head fell with dread. As her eyes moved down, she saw something unexpected: The Colonel was gone. Her eyes scanned the room desperately, hoping that he maybe moved back to his desk. She didn't see him anywhere.

"Did anyone see the Colonel?" Her usually calm voice tinged with despair. If the Colonel bumped into anyone in his seemingly-drunk state, he could kiss being Fuhrer goodbye. When the surprised men in the room shook their heads, she walked outside as fast as she could without running. Hughes followed her and shut the door behind her.

It took them a few minutes to find the Colonel. Thankfully, they intercepted him before he could strike a conversation with anyone. The Lieutenant was steering him back to the office when the present Fuhrer came walking past.

"Good Morning, Officers." She felt the Colonel stiffen in annoyance. She'd better move him before…

"Good Morning Fuhrer S.O.B!" said the Colonel. Hughes slapped his palm on his forehead.

The Lieutenant, who had been surprisingly calm all day, was mad enough to pull out her gun and blow her superior's brains out. She resisted the urge and kept her face straight. There was always time later to kill her boss.

"S.O.B… Sob?" The Fuhrer looked confused and Riza thanked the Gods that Amestris' ruler was an idiot.

"Yes Sir, S.O.B stands for Sweet Office Boy." She cringed at how stupid that sounded. Luckily, the Fuhrer didn't notice.

"That's very sweet of you, Colonel Mustang. I bid you a good day." The Fuhrer walked away.

Lieutenant Hawkeye sighed in relief and they walked back into the office. She locked the door and pulled out her gun. While taking aim at her Superior's head, she snarled:

"Give me one good reason why I should not shoot…" Riza's sentence was cut of when someone's lips landed on her own. A somebody with onyx eyes. Her heart quickened.

Colonel Mustang! Her superior was kissing her!

Her mind seemed split in half. The logical side knew that the consequences of breaking the fraternization laws would be severe and would hinder the Colonel's quest of becoming Fuhrer. Also, the Colonel didn't appear to be himself and she'd be taking advantage of him if she let this continue. Still, she really couldn't deny that this kiss made her day a thousand times better.

Luckily for her, he pulled away before she could make the choice. He looked happier than he'd been all day and in turn, she smiled too.

That felt really nice. Heck, she'd even give up her gun if he'd kiss her again.

"Ahem…" A sound came from one of the desks. The smiling duo looked away and blanched. All the men in the room were grinning pointedly.

The Lieutenant whipped her gun out and did a quick circle around the room, pointing the pistol at everyone except Roy.

"Get those stupid smiles off your faces before I shoot them off!" The smiles dropped like stones at her harsh voice. Still, they sniggered inwardly at her blushing face.

"Don't pretend like you didn't like it!" Lieutenant Havoc, who had been feeling particularly courageous, shouted. Her already pink face darkened to scarlet. She aimed the gun at the Lieutenant's boots and shot a few times, purposefully missing. The sound of his girlish screams as he hopped around really was music to her ears. The lovestruck Colonel made no move to stop them, rather preferring to smile gleefully at Riza.

The shoot-and-hop game soon ended when a loud thump coming from behind the fighting Lieutenants. They both turned around to find their Superior collapsed in a pile. Did someone shoot him?

Riza rushed to the Colonel, eyes sweeping his clothes as if looking for blood.

"Colonel!"

Nothing happened. He can't die now… He wasn't even Fuhrer yet… And she hadn't told him how she felt yet… She was truly afraid now…

Until he started snoring…

Riza slapped herself internally. Why was she acting like Juliet? The Colonel was just sleeping.

"Let's go back to work," She told the confused men, "He's just sleeping." They sighed in relief and went back to their desk to deal with some pesky paperwork.

The Colonel woke up an hour later with a killer headache. He sat up and rubbed his head.

"What happened?" He demanded. The men looked surprised.

"Do you seriously not remember?" They were incredulous. He had done some really odd stuff and he couldn't even remember? He shook his head 'no'.

They sighed and the Lieutenant stood up with a pile of completed paperwork.

"Excuse me." She walked out the room.

"Seriously Sir, you don't remember kissing Lieutenant Hawkeye?" His eyes widened.

"Not again?" His head fell into his hand, "She's going to kill me."

They opened their mouths to say something when he said:

"Don't ask please."

He walked out to blow off some steam when he bumped into Fuhrer Bradley. He pulled his hand up into a solute.

"Good Morning Sir."

"Good Morning again Roy. You look like a S.O.B today."

He knew better than to disagree.

"Thank you Fuhrer." The Fuhrer continued down the halls and the Colonel rushed off into the garden, looking for some grass to burn.

When he found a small spot out of view, he reached into his pocket for his ignition glove. He pulled out a slightly crumpled picture of Elicia.

'What the hell did I do today' he asked himself.

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**Okay, I hope you enjoyed this story. This is my first Fullmetal Alchemist story. Please review if you like it.**


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